[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.