[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
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best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
i think both sides are to blame here
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.