Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Florida be like…

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.