[Wine tasting]
Do you have anything in a 24 Pepsi?
— Benny 'Last Man' Rollins (@citizenkawala) December 14, 2024
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I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.