Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

🏠

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!