Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

Attacked by a mop.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Still cracks me up

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

This was the best day of my life

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”