Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*

FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine