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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.