Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
calling in to work dehydrated
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Before & after 😅
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.