When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
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monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.