I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
This is a sub tweet
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.