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Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.


“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”


“Sooo sorry I fell asleep during your wedding. It was rude but your vows were like SO long. Anyway, you may now kiss the bride”


Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend


Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?



My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.


Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.


Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.


The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.