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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.