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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I think this should do it.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.