127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.