Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.