127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”