Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.