127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
