127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.