127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
March 16
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!