optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]
I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Baked turkey for 4 and a half days – instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
gf: don’t tell my dad you sell drugs
gf’s dad: what do you do?
me: I give out free drugs