“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?