@spinubzilla

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

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@imence2

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

@1Happytwit

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@JMFnSparks

If I ever have a son, I’m going to name him Sparta, that way I can introduce him as “This is SPARTA!!!”

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@LuvPug

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

@Birdhumms

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?