127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Flowers bee like
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.