“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable