some cats are just doing for fun!
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
why am I working on Labor Day
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click