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Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Oh the world we live in…
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something