“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
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When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.