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@copymama

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

@bumlaser

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

@thegreatnanak

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@ddsmidt

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@notacroc

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

@TheWoodenslurpy

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.