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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.


Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.


Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.


So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”


When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.


Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.


Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????


[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon


captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid


Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.