Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
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[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.