I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.