Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*