Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

oh you wanna fight?!

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

This January has 47 Mondays

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”