12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
You Might Also Like
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect