Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

*praying for world peace*
God:

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear