Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’