Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”