12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh