12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”