12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
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Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
My humor is broken
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.