12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.