Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

Wikigenius

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.