Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.