Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Did you know Yoda has a last name?

It’s Layheehoo…

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Self-cleaning conscience

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.