12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.