12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving