12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.