12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.