Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine