13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”