Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

2022 be like

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Every damn time

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look