Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?

BOSS: What?

ME: I’m writing an email

BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!

ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

*eating catfish*

This looks nothing like it did on the menu

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?