@coketruck76

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

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@lyric_intent

It’s ok spider, everyone screams when I surprise them in the shower too

@HallpassCanada

Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.

@peachesanscream

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of

@DonKinderknecht

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

@TheEighthKnight

Making fun of someone you’re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead