13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
japanese corn
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.