Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise