Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”