Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.

Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.

Worm: What is it?

Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Dietest Coke

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.