Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

[INTERVENTION]

Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.

Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.