Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

scares

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.