Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

Inside you there are two wolves

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW