Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

marvel comics have peaked

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.