Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?

Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

good morning

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve