[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am