Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

🙅🏻

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.