Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.