Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

What the hell is going on?

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.