Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult