Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

At least he brought enough for everyone

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

ready to be harvested

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Another interesting #factupdates post!