Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Last-minute gift idea!

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls