Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

That’s easy for you to say

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Coworker: Pass your random drug test?

Me: With flying colors!

CW: Really?

Me. So many colors!

CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life