13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
😜