Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

orange cat behavior

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear