13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
fr
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
